My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 10. We have a 3.5 year old and a 2 y.o. The math is very simple; we didn’t feel ready to start a family until our early thirties.
We have both always wanted children very much; it was one of the things that led to us getting married when my husband was 23 (I can’t believe how young we were, but it seemed so right at the time). So what held us back? It wasn’t money, although waiting such a long time made it easier for us to save enough money to give us many options when we became parents. It wasn’t career either, although that was definitely a huge factor in the wait. Another major delay was life goals; it helped that my husband almost won fencing National Championships a few months before I became pregnant with our daughter.
It was more that whenever the topic came up approximately every six months, we would look at each other, say “Now?” and then simultaneously freak out at the idea of having a baby right then. We knew that our life would end when we became parents, and it did. But we have no regrets. We were extraordinarily lucky not to encounter any fertility issues, so our first child was born at the perfect time for us.
Becoming parents caused a titanic upheaval in our relationship dynamics. Our previously smooth, easy life became fraught with disruptions caused by a small, demanding, unpredictable family member who could not be reasoned with. All the things we took for granted, like free time, going out to dinner or to fencing practice, visiting bookstores, showering, talking, watching TV, suddenly became luxuries. Our expenses increased dramatically while our income was halved. And all that was before we had our second child when our daughter was 18 months old.
In retrospect, it’s a good thing we waited as long as we did to start our family because otherwise we might have resented our kids for the complete lifestyle change they caused. And yet we adore our children, and like them more and more as they grow older and become complete little people. You can actually hold conversations with both of them (my 2 y.o. too, it’s really incredible!) and reason with the older one (although sometimes when you ask her to clean up her toys, she tells you to go do it instead).
The real lesson that I learned was that when things get tough, when both parents are sleep-deprived and stressed, is that you take it out on each other, not on the kids. Everyone I know goes through this, no matter how much money they have. Unless you have enough money to hire round-the-clock child care, ultimately you and your spouse are the rear brigade. Hell, you are the front and center brigade. You are it, and it can be overwhelming. And even having family members assist only helps temporarily and can cause more strain than assistance since they can easily get in the way in a small living space.
The single greatest side benefit to my being home is that I can manage the kids very easily under any circumstances. My husband calls it “Mommy Magic.” I can get the kids calmed down and fed/bathed/hair combed, or whatever need they have been fighting my husband or mother about. There are two reasons for this: 1) I know their cues very well and can tell exactly what they need before they start showing signs of distress, and 2) they are used to being around me continually so they automatically fall into a smooth, calm routine when I take charge.
The kids play happily with each other because they have a familiar routine. They are not separated at all during the day except for a couple of dropoff classes, and they are used to interacting smoothly with me at all times. I am very happy to be home with them, and their contentment and growth is my greatest reward. Having children and staying home with them is not for everyone, but it has fulfilled me in a way I didn’t know I was missing before they were born.
